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Top 60 Most Funny Christmas Quotes | Mostbeautifulquotes.com

Funny Christmas Quotes, If you are having a tough schedule due to Christmas preparation, these Funny Christmas Quotes will surely lighten your mood up.

 

Don’t forget the fact that it’s okay to have bad experiences when it comes to Christmas preparations. Bad things happen and not every plan is executed perfectly so read these most funny Christmas quotes and enjoy this best time of the year.

If you are in a bad mood, none of your plans will work for this Christmas. You still have plenty of time to make things right for the most favorite season.

Get some loudly laughter with these funny Christmas quotes and cheer yourself up because a lot of Christmas arrangement is still left!

“Because of some defect in my motor skill, I can never COMPLETELY wrap [gifts]…If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh’s body would be covered only by scotch tape.”
Dave Barry

“As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December’s bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same.”
-Donald E. Westlake

“Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money.”
-Author Unknown

“I was going to exchange my brother one time after Christmas, but my mom would never tell me where he came from.”
-Melanie Whit “I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.”
–Shirley Temple

“What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.”
-Don Marquis

“One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.”
-Louis C.K.
As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.”
-Andy Borowitz
“Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?”
–Tom Armstrong
“The one thing I remember about Christmas was that my father used to take me out in a boat about ten miles offshore on Christmas Day, and I used to have to swim back. It was a ritual. Mind you, that wasn’t the hard part. The difficult bit was getting out of the sack.”
-John Cleese
“Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?”
–Arlo Guthrie
“I hate the radio this time of year because they play “All I Want For Christmas Is You” like, every other song. And that’s just not enough.”
-Bridger Winegar
“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.”
-Larry Wilde
“Nothing says holiday like a cheese log.”
-Ellen DeGeneres
“For Christmas this year, try to give less, start with less attitude. There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is – and people will usually just give it back anyway!”
-Anne Bristow
“There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made out of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.”
– P.J. O’Rourke
“Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.”
-Tom Sims
“There’s something about Christmas that’s magical. Money just seems to disappear into thin air.”
-Melanie White
“That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”
–Jerry Seinfeld
“Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog who drew her name.”
-Erma Bombeck
“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”
-Garrison Keillor
“The Supreme Court ruled against having a nativity scene in Washington DC. This was not for religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.”
-Jay Leno
“Thank goodness Christmas is a state of mind. I’d hate for it to be the state of my bank account.”
-Melanie White
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
-Phyllis Diller
“A Christmas Nightmare: going caroling for your neighbors, and Simon Cowell is one of them.”
-From a cartoon by Whyatt.com.au
“I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.”
-Henny Youngman
“My Christmas wish is to spend more time unwrapping presents than I do untangling lights.”
-Melanie White
“I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.”
-Henny Youngman
“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” -Erma Bombeck

“You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.”
-Andy Borowitz
“Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall.”
-Dave Barry
“Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar… or, as you like to call it, delicatessen.”
–Sean Hughes
“Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts.”
-Author Unknown
“That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”
-Jerry Seinfeld
“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.”
-Johnny Carson

“Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a “religious” meaning.”
-Andy Borowitz
“The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: “Some assembly required.””
–John Leo
“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.’”
-Bernard Manning

“I hate the radio this time of year because they play “All I Want For Christmas Is You” like, every other song. And that’s just not enough.”
-Author Unknown

“Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog who drew her name.”
-Erma Bombeck
“The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.”
-Johnny Carson

“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”
–Garrison Keillor
“Do give books – religious or otherwise – for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal.”
–Lenore Hershey
“Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.”
–Richard Lamm
“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.”
–Joan Rivers
“Although it is pleasant to think about poison at any season, there is something special about Christmas, and I found myself grinning.”
–Alan Bradley
“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.”
–Author Unknown
“A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.”
–John B. Priestly
“I like to compare the holiday season with the way a child listens to a favorite story. The pleasure is in the familiar way the story begins, the anticipation of familiar turns it takes, the familiar moments of suspense, and the familiar climax and ending.”
–Fred Rogers
“Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.”
–Dave Berry
“One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.”
-Andy Rooney

“Wretched excess is an unfortunate human trait that turns a perfectly good idea such as Christmas into a frenzy of last-minute shopping.”
–Jon Anderson
“Probably the reason we all go so haywire at Christmas time with the endless unrestrained and often silly buying of gifts is that we don’t quite know how to put our love into words.”
–Harlan Miller
“Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of ‘s.’ I suppose you could say ‘Merry Christmas’ and ‘Happy New Year,’ but you probably have sh*t to do.”
–Jon Stewart
“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.”
–Jay Leno
“Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It’s like, “Oh great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins, right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?”
–Jim Gaffigan
“Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer, and you don’t care, do you? Every year, you just take more of the calendar for yourself. How long does it take you people to shop? It’s beyond belief! It’s insane! When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn’t poking his ass into it!”
–Lewis Black
“This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.”
–Anthony Jeselnik
“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.”
–Victor Borge
“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.”
–Winston Spear

You surely got teeny-tiny stomach ache by laughing so hard after reading these funny Christmas quotes. You are finally cheered up to do all the pending Christmas preparations in a great manner.
We hope these funny Christmas quotes will make you keep laughing until the New Year. Have a great one!

Read More: Missing You Quotes

 

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